Sausages

The meal box app just told me I was making good choices.

Not sure it’s seen the full picture.

Because the choices I make are mostly centred around the next 5 minutes and whether I will enjoy them or not.

And what’s the point

if I’m not going to enjoy them?

So, still an infant it seems.

Still thinking nothing through.

So maybe the app

should say

You have made

spontaneous choices

for the duration.

Choices

based on nothing

but what will make me feel

good.

In the moment,

in the next moment,

in the next 10 moments.

And they aren’t good choices

are they?

Are they?

They can’t be.

Surely you need some sort of grasp on unfolding reality.

Someone asked me what my 10 year plan was yesterday.

I hadn’t prepared an answer.

I haven’t ever considered…

do people really do that? Really?

A 10 year plan.

I thought it was just something people said in films.

Needless to say

I don’t have one.

I don’t have a 10 day plan.

I have no plans.

Might have a cigarette and a cup of tea in a bit. Might tidy the mess I’ve made.

And that’s something, I suppose.

It’s filling time.

I assume I’ll be doing something similar in 10 years.

Something similarly vague,

or not.

And

Isn’t that supposed to be what’s good about being alive?

Not the tidying.

Or cups of tea.

The not knowing.

The surprise.

Yeah.

I assume I’ll be doing something similar in 10 years: attempting to string every moment together and fill it with pockets of joy.

Like sausages.

But less porky

Less meaty.

Avoiding

or embracing

change.

Whichever loop I’m on.

Avoiding thinking too deeply about anything.

And

wondering what it is

I’m really supposed to be doing.

But, I like what I’m doing now.

Well. I hate the space in between the moments I like.

When I’m in danger of feeling something a bit real.

But

Isn’t everything better when you can just drop it all and run?

Or is that the problem?

Because if I make big decisions

If I turn big thoughts

into actions

I can’t just:

eyes closed

fingers in ears

lalala… I’m not listening

woopsie, I’ve filled a bag and found myself on a plane

To stop myself from

Feeling?

Stagnating,

staying the same.

While everyone around me plants themselves in the ground

makes roots

settles down

into a steady career,

procreates.

And that’s what they really mean,

isn’t it?

When they talk about

progress.

change.

Success.

A 10 year plan.

So

my choices aren’t great.

They aren’t healthy.

They’re very often pizza based.

They’re made up of tiny little nuggets of enjoyment

That will carry me through into the next few.

Then the next,

Then the next.

And if we just concentrate on that

We won’t have to think about anything deep.

Anything serious.

Anything new.

We won’t have to make good choices.

We won’t have to make choices.

We won’t have

to think.

We won’t have

to

choose.